WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST LEAVE?
A guy doesn’t usually start hitting his girlfriend out of the blue – it generally starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse; cutting her down, telling her she’s fat or ugly, chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically by the time the physical violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. When she doesn’t value herself, it is more likely that she’ll accept and put up with the physical abuse. Once her self-esteem has been broken down, it can be even harder for her to leave the relationship.
WHY DOES HE DO IT?
It’s not easy being a guy these days. Society puts all kinds of pressure on boys, right from the day they’re born. They are bombarded with messages from popular culture and sometimes from their families about how they should behave and what it means to be a man; real men don’t cry; real men take charge; they must be tough, strong, breadwinners, know how to fight, never openly show affection for another male, play sports even when they are hurt… on and on and on. Some boys learn that being a real man means dominating or controlling their partner.
WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE?
There are lots of other reasons why it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship.
Usually, violence isn’t constant but comes in cycles, with a “honeymoon” period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he’s sorry and that it will never happen again.
The victim might really love the guy – she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.
And we all know what peer pressure feels like. What your friends think of us really does matter, and we want to feel accepted. Girls can gain a lot of social status for being in a relationship – and letting that go can be hard to do. Couples often share the same friends, and if they break up and let people know what’s going on, what are their friends going to do? Choose one over the other? What if they don’t believe her? What if they choose him? Boys who are violent in private can appear to be calm and caring in public.
There’s still a lot of shame in this society around admitting you have been abused. It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there’s violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.
WHY DOES HE DO IT?
Sometimes guys don’t learn how to express or manage their emotions, they only know how to be happy or angry.
They certainly know it’s not okay to feel sad, needy, or powerless. Sometimes in relationships with girls, boys act out their feelings of insecurity or confusion with aggression. This lets them regain or maintain their power and control in the relationship. And sometimes, it’s not about emotions at all, it’s about being dominant.
BAD MESSAGES
“You’ve got to be tough to keep the girl. Men need to be strong and have money. Men have power over women. Men are supposed to be the dominant sex.”
“He’s so strong! She’s hot… why haven’t you had sex with her yet? A real man doesn’t get pushed around by a girl”
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